How Practicing Self-Love is Revolutionary

Listen to this blog article on the Resilient in STEM podcast!

Self-love is revolutionary.

If you’re someone who is oppressed by society, your practice of self-love is revolutionary. Social oppression refers to oppression that is achieved through social means and that is social in scope—it affects whole categories of people. This kind of oppression includes the systematic mistreatment, exploitation, and abuse of a group (or groups) of people by another group (or groups). That being said, with self-love being the opposite of mistreatment, abuse, and exploitation, by performing self-love you are countering the effects of your oppression. When you are oppressed, society does not want you to be fully human and thrive; you are simply a commodity to be exploited for their gain. Reclaiming self-love is an act of revolution as it challenges status-quo; it challenges the current definition of “normal” accepted by society.

That being said, when you are oppressed, the way society says you should self-care is another violation of your own autonomy. The same society that mistreats you cannot also offer you relief from your suffering. It is not easy to recognize gaslighting in messages you get in the media, unlearn what society has taught you about self-love, and relearn what is actually good for you, but it is possible. This is why self reflection as a means to grow your self-awareness and emotional intelligence are so important. With emotional intelligence and self awareness you can better recognize gaslighting, and learn what feels good to you, and grow your self-love practice.

Growing self awareness and emotional intelligence is so important in not only developing your self-love practice, but also in navigating difficult situations involving bias, harassment, and discrimination at work or school. I actually have a whole chapter dedicated to this in the STEM Thrive Guides courses. In the courses I provide methods for growing your self-awareness and emotional intelligence, and teach processes for using self awareness to resolve uncomfortable situations at work.

I’m really excited to share with you about my annual self-love tradition I started practicing back in 2018. At that point in time I was healing from PTSD from a toxic workplace as well as a personal event, and had the realization that I needed to reconstruct my life so that it positively served my happiness, health, and overall wellbeing. I was learning a lot about psychology, and experimenting with different methods to heal from trauma.

Today I want to share how I use the month of May as a moment to reaffirm, adjust, and expand on my self-love practice. Doing this every year has seriously changed my life for the better and healed me in many ways. It has also strengthened my relationships, and deepened my connection with the world around me. I used to put up with disrespect and abuse because I didn’t want to be problematic in my workplace or not be liked, and this caused so many issues for me throughout my education and career. I was miserable and feeling hopeless, but when I centered my own wellbeing everything changed and now I’m more confident, happy, healthy, and more myself than ever! And I want to share one of my most important practices that has transformed my life right now! Now you can probably see why I’m so excited to share this! This is literally life changing!!

First, I want to define self-love for you since I feel like this REALLY matters, especially if you’re someone who is oppressed in society.

Self-love means loving yourself and caring for yourself. I like the definition of love written by Erich Fromm and repeated by bell hooks in her book “All About Love”, which is an amazing read by the way. It is:

Love is the willingness to extend oneself for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.

– Erich Fromm

I like this definition of love because it is so expansive and allows room for each person to have their own unique needs for love, as in needs for spiritual growth.

When it comes to spiritual growth, it is very personal. Often when I have been told how to care for and love myself, I get a step-by-step list or a set of instructions. The problem with this is that while those things may have helped someone else, they may not necessarily help me. I have my own past, ailments, struggles, and lifestyle that certain methods of self-care may not be suitable for relieving. For instance, someone who needs to stress-relieve after a busy day of running errands may need a bubble bath with some scented candles to unwind. However, when I was suffering from the affects of abuse in my workplace, a bubble bath would not be conducive to helping me; I needed a different set of self-love actions to take care of myself. In the age of capitalism, you’ll hear a lot of different tips and tricks for self-care, but it’s important to be skeptical as most of this is just marketing; it’s intended to sell you something, not necessarily help YOU.

That being said, while I’m sharing a self-love tradition I do annually, this may not be suitable for you and your self-love practice. I’m simply providing this as an example that may perhaps open your mind to exploring what works for you to deepen your love of yourself and grow.

First, I’ll give some background of my self-love practice, then I’ll share the self-reflection questions I use to assess my current state and where I’d like to grow, and I’ll finish with my favorite practices for May, my month of self-love!

Background

This time of year, May or late Spring/early Summer, is a very special time of year for me. It is my favorite part of the year for many reasons! First, my birthday is in May, and I have many amazing memories of celebrating with friends and family. Also, it’s the time of the year where I live where the weather gets warm, flowers are blooming, and I can resume all the outdoor activities. I can also wear summer dresses without needing a sweater, and walk around with bare feet if I choose to do so!

I feel naturally excited, adventurous, and my heart feels full of love at this time of year, and I don’t think this is a coincidence.

In many traditions and religions around the world, the beginning of May and end of April is celebrated as a time of the year where the world is coming to life! Historically, people use this time of the year to welcome the summer by having bonfires, May Day festivals with flower crowns and dancing, picnics in parks, maypoles, decorating with greenery and flowers, choosing a Lei Queen, and more! The name of the celebrations varies (May Day, Irminden, Calendimaggio, Walpurgisnacht, Lei Day, Vappu, Valborg, and Youth Day), but the sentiment and traditions remain similar. Even Mother’s Day and celebrations of Mary in Christianity are celebrated in May (following the symbolism that the Earth is coming back to life after the Winter, at least in the Northern Hemisphere).

I’m not a religious person, but I do like to use the different energies I feel throughout the year to amplify my health and wellbeing. May is a time when I take advantage of that energy I feel of love, new life, and creativity to nurture myself. For me, May is the time of year I reflect on and reaffirm my commitment to love myself.

To me, all that I do stems from self love. If I am trying to help others or contribute to society in a positive way, I need to center my wellbeing and, therefore, love myself too. Years ago, I fell into the trap that I think many women are socially conditioned to do, which is to put others ahead of their own wellbeing. I sacrificed my own wellbeing to help others, and as a result, lost track of who I was and suffered from different ailments including depression and anxiety. When I am in that state of emotional exhaustion from spending all of my energy caring for others, not only do I suffer but the help I give falls short of truly being great help. I end up helping nobody, and feeling depleted, exhausted, and hopeless.

By centering my own self-love, I fill my own cup until it overflows and, by extension, helps others. Even as I write my blog posts or record my podcasts, I am mindful of the energy I am giving versus receiving from these activities.

Now, I do want to be clear on one thing before I go through the self-reflections I use and my self-love practices for May. Just because I use May to refocus on self-love does not mean I abandon any effort for the rest of the year. I simply use this time to really focus and reset my habits so that they are positively serving me. I technically do this throughout the year, but May is an especially powerful time to reaffirm my vows of self-love. Self love is not simply a to-do list; it is a mentality and a practice that I embed in my lifestyle so that no matter what I am doing I am loving and caring for myself.

Self Reflection

The first thing I plan to do this May is a deep self-reflection. I journal about the following:

  1. What are your ailments and where are they coming from?
  2. Take note of harmful habits
    1. Create a plan to maintain awareness of bad habits
  3. Reflect on your relationships
    1. Which have progressed in healthy ways?
    2. Which are more negative and draining, and how can you set boundaries with those people?
  4. Recognize what you love about yourself and how much you have grown.
  5. What is fun for you and brings you joy?
    1. Integrate those into your lifestyle so that they are part of your daily habits!

Practices

  1. Journal about reasons you love yourself
  2. Remind yourself that you are worthy of love, respect, and happiness
  3. Nature Walks – smell flowers, sage, plants. Observe seasonal changes and new life.
  4. Wear clothes that feel good to you, and make you feel beautiful. (I like wearing more feminine outfits and dresses, as well as rose quartz jewelry to amplify my self love practice.
  5. Grow awareness of cycles in nature: moon phases, your menstrual cycle, etc.

Now that I’ve shared all these amazing revelations and practices around self-love, my hope is that this inspired you or reaffirmed to you the importance of self-love. This practice of annually celebrating May and this time of year in this way has made me more grateful for my life and relationships, and aware of all the beauty of this world, even the beauty in suffering. I’d love to hear if you have your own self-love practice, and maybe we can exchange wisdom! If you’d like to start your own self-love annual tradition, I have a treat for you! I made a self-love month-long challenge that you can complete at the time of year that resonates with you! Simply follow the link here.

And on that note, I want to share a few opportunities with you!

I started an online community called Resilient in STEM on Facebook to provide support and resources for people navigating difficult situations in their career. No community out there is like this one, which focuses on learning from and resolving issues related to taboo topics like bias, harassment, microaggressions, and discrimination. We would love to have you be a part of that community!

If you ever find yourself struggling, feel free to reach out for help. You are not alone, and you deserve to feel safe and comfortable in your workplace or school environment!


Help! I’m being harassed and don’t know what to do.

Hello friend,

First, I’m sorry to hear you’re experiencing a difficult situation at work or school involving bias, harassment, or discrimination. You do not deserve this kind of treatment; you deserve to feel safe and comfortable in your environment. 

I wrote out this message to help guide you in your journey to navigate this difficult situation. Since you’re already in the midst of a crisis or emergency situation, there is a lot of information that may be unhelpful at this point (for instance, how to develop supportive professional relationships. It’s likely too late to start developing those relationships in order to improve your situation.) Despite this, I want you to know that it was a good idea to reach out for help, and you are definitely making the right decision by reading this now! There is still a lot you can do to make the most of this situation. Please keep reading. 

The first thing I want you to take notice of is your mental, physical, and emotional state. If you have any health issues or illnesses, or if you feel scared and overwhelmed, know that this is normal for someone who is experiencing what you are going though. As an example, when I was at the height of being harassed in a particularly toxic situation, my symptoms were depression, fatigue, disordered eating, anxiety, panic attacks, stomach aches, food sensitivities, fear, frustration, confusion, and anger (to name a few). 

From this point forward, your prioritized focus should be your own self care as much as possible. Say “no” more often to things that do not positively serve you, take time off work or school if you need it, and ask yourself “what would someone who loves themself do?” when in doubt about what to do next or if you’re feeling particularly awful. Do something every day that brings you joy or makes you belly-laugh! (Regular meditation also helps me, and I like using guided meditations on YouTube or on the apps Insight Timer or Headspace.)

You need to prioritize self care for your own well being and because navigating harassment can be very emotionally and mentally draining. You need to maintain your wellness through whatever your course of actions may be. Focus on what you can control. An exercise to grow your self awareness so that you can self care is available in Part 4 of the Mini-course: Tips for Addressing Harassment during the Pandemic. 

The second thing to focus on is your documentation of all of the bias, microaggressions, harassment, and discrimination you have experienced. Keep all your records of this harassment in a safe, accessible place. Your records can include your own notes as well as emails, online chat messages, and whatever evidence you may have. For more information on how to document harassment and for the STEM Thrive Guides Harassment Documentation Checklist, check out Part 2 of the Mini-Course: How to Document Harassment

When documenting and proceeding to report harassment, it’s important to know your legal protections. Your school or workplace has its own policies, and your local government also has its own policies. Harassment, sexual harassment, hostile workplace, and discrimination are a few legal terms to know and understand very well. When documenting harassment or looking over your documentation, keep your legal protections in mind. Note that your legal protections may not protect you from all forms of harassment. To learn more about how to learn your legal protections, you can take Part 1 of the Mini-Course: What are bias, microaggressions, harassment, and discrimination? Also, consider contacting a lawyer to ask them questions as they would be more familiar with all of the legal protections. 

If you want to reach a resolution or justice from the situation you’re experiencing (which, I’m guessing you do because you’re reading this), then it’s important to know your desired resolution. 

In the full versions of the STEM Thrive Guides Courses I teach 2 processes I’ve developed to navigate these situations: The Resilience Mindset and The Reporting Framework. The Resilience Mindset is a set of 5 truths that one needs to fully understand in order feel confident, comfortable, and unashamed when reporting harassment or seeking a resolution. The Reporting Framework is 5 questions one needs to answer to determine the best way to resolve an issue. Since you’re in an urgent situation and don’t have time to practice and implement these tools, for now:

  • First try to resolve the issue through your workplace/school’s procedure (usually written in an employee handbook or student handbook).
  • Second, if that doesn’t work or if your workplace or school is retaliating against you, seek help and advice from a lawyer unaffiliated with your organization, or another organization like a union. For more information on how to report harassment and develop supportive professional relationships, see Part 3 of the Mini-Course: How to Report Harassment.

Note that if you try to work within a company or school’s system to reach a resolution, the people you’ll work with in Human Resources (HR) or in an office of equal opportunity and diversity or an ombudsman office are not necessarily there to help you. They are there to protect the company/school from lawsuits. Therefore, always seek other unbiased opinions if they tell you that you don’t have enough evidence to file a lawsuit. 

Also, even if you file a formal report, the repercussions to the harasser may be just a “slap on the wrist” (no actual punishment or restrictions). Reporting my not lead to the resolution you want. (My personal opinion is that reporting is the right thing to do for your own wellness and confidence whether it gets you justice or not.) An environment that is not supportive of you is an environment that you do not want to stay in for long. Don’t waste your time somewhere that’s not helping you grow in your career! 

Overall, know that what you are going through is a normal part of a successful career. Unfortunately, at some point we all experience some from of harassment at work or school. It’s a professional skill to know how to navigate these situations. Take this experience as an opportunity to learn and grow both personally and professionally. This is an opportunity for you to advocate for yourself, grow your confidence, grow relationships with supporters and allies, and see what career opportunities may be a better fit for you! While right now may be very difficult, trust me, it gets better! 

Thanks again for reaching out for help! I want to reiterate that you do deserve to and have the right to feel safe and comfortable in your work or school environment. Please feel free to reach out to me either on social media or by emailing stemthriveguides@gmail.com. I’m happy to answer any questions you may have on which resources are best for you and your specific situation.

All of the courses that provide in-depth lessons on navigating difficult situations at work and school are available at www.stemthriveguides.com, and there are more resources at jillpestana.com


Your friend & ally,

Jill

Resilient in STEM Facebook Community: Here!

Instagram: @stemthriveguides

Twitter: @stemthriveguide

More Links: Here!